Irish Jokes

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.

One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!”

“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. “You’re right, he is unshakable!”

The third English man said: “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.” The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said…”I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

A man took a new job as a bus driver and was given a bus with a Sesame Street advertisement on the side. At his first stop he picked up two fat Irish women who’s names both happened to be Pattie. At his next stop he picked up a man named Ross. This man felt highly of himself and insisted that everyone call him Special Ross. At the next stop was a biker who didn’t have a name, but he said he usually goes by his nickname, Lester T.

During the ride, Lester T sat in the back picking at his feet while the others looked at him with disgust.

When the bus driver finished his route, he was asked how his day was by one of his co-workers.

“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T pickin’ his bunyons on a Sesame Street bus.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad new for you … you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

There was Claudia Schiffer, an Englishman, and an Irishman sitting in a carriage of a real old fashioned train with no lights. When they went through a tunnel, it was all dark.

Suddenly, there was a kissing noise and the sound of a slap. When they came out of the tunnel, the Englishman was sitting with his hand on his cheek as if he had been slapped.

He was thinking: The Irish fella must’ve kissed Claudia Schiffer and when she tried to slap him she got me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The English guy must’ve tried to kiss me and kissed the Irish man instead and gottten slapped for it.

The Irishman was thinking: This is great. Next time we go through a tunnel, I’ll make kissing noises and slap the English man again.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A carrot, a potato and a knife.

The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out.

The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in.

The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in.

When asked the odd one out he replies, “The carrot!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other 2!”