Irish Jokes

An airoplane is about to crash land. The pilot yells over the intercom to the passengers to throw something out the window so that the crash won’t be as bad. A young irish blonde throws out a case o whisky, a big english bloke lobs out a case o cigs and an Iraq phsyco throws out a bomb. Five minutes later a women is walking along a street. She see’s a little girl crying. “What’s the matter dear?” she asks. “A big case of whisky fell on me ‘ead” the girl replies. The women keeps on walking and she see’s another little girl crying. “What’s the matter dear?” she asks. “A big case of cigs fell on my head” the girl replies. The woman walks on and she see’s a little fat kid rolling on the floor pissing himself laughing. “What are you laughing about” she asks. “Ha ha ha! I farted and that f*****g building behind me blew up!

Dancer Isadora Duncan once suggested to Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw that eugenics indicated they should have a child together. “Think of it! With my body and your brains, what a wonder it would be,” she said.

Shaw replied, “Yes, but what if it had my body and your brains?”

There was a competition to find out who the smartest man in the world was. In this competition, there was only one rule, you can’t talk. So it all comes down to a Buddhist priest and an Irish man.

So the priest starts out by holding up one finger. The Irish man holds up two fingers. The Buddhist priest holds up three fingers and the Irish man holds up a fist. The priest holds up a small circle with one hand. The Irish man holds up a big circle with his hands over his head. The priest falls over backwards in his chair and the Irish man wins.

So two months later, in India, one of the priest’s followers asks how he lost. The priest said, “I held up unity and he held up duality. So I held up holy trinity (even though I’m Buddhist). He held up earth and so I thought what could be better than that. I held up universe and he held up infinity.”

Back in a pub in Ireland, the Irish man had a different interpretation: “He said, ‘I kick your ass one time’ and I said ‘I kick your ass two times’. So he said, ‘I kick your ass three times’ and I said, ‘Well I’ll shove this up your ass’. So he said, ‘well my asshole is only this big’ and I said, ‘Well I’ll make it this big!’”

There are two Irishmen looking for work and they see a sign-TREE FELLERS WANTED-

“Oh oh, just take a look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only the two of us.”

A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain.
The priest, who is Irish, asks, “And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?”

The sinner says,”Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough.”

“And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God.”

“No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball well,it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green.

“And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“No father, I took my s/w and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole.”

The priest asked, “Is this hole a par 4?”

“yes, father”, he says

“And you’re hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?”

“Yes, Father”

“Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?”