Irish Jokes

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot”.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible”. he says, “there is a $20 note lodged up here”.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

“This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man” suggests the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc…

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. “Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den?”

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “$1990 exactly.”

“Ah, dat’d be roit. I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”

An Enlishman man on his holiday walks in to an Irish country tavern and approaches the bar.

“Excuse me landlord. Could you tell me the quickest way to Donegal.”

The landlord unsure replies “Are you walking or are you driving?”

“Er..driving.”

“Then that’ll be the quickest way.”

Three drunk Irishmen were rambling through a cemetery in search of the oldest person buried there. One Blasted Bloke, Shamus, yells out, “Here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Two Irishmen are sitting at the bar, and on the side of the bar is a huge mirror.

Murphy looks over and says, “Don`t look now, Patrick, but the chap sitting over there looks the spitting image of you!”

Patrick says, “I don`t believe it, the other chap is identical to YOU as well!”

Murphy stands up and says, “I’m going to buy them a drink.”

Patrick says, “Don`t bother, they are coming over.”

Q:What is the Irish definition of casual drinking?

A:Drinking through straws.