Jewish Jokes

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. “Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.

The father blows his top. “Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, ‘How longa you gonna be?’”

A Meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the Meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice, wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”

The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks the Meshulach.

“Sir, I am positive,” replies the homeowner.

“But,” says the meshulach, “It says right here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish,” replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

“Look, Sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you SURE you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.

“For the last time, Sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, Alav Hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five completed their game standing up.

Whereupon, Finkelstein looked around and asked, “Who is going to tell the wife?” They drew straws.

Goldberg, who was always a loser, picked the short one. His fellow cardplayers told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me.”

Goldberg schlepped over to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked Goldberg what he wanted. Goldberg declared, “Your husband just lost $500 at the poker game.”

She hollered, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”

Goldberg said, “I’ll tell him.”

Weddings: A Jewish father, Moishe, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak… “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila… “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father.. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien,” replies the son. “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok…as long as you’re happy….my blessings to you both,” replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah…

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, “Father…I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son, “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moishe…”But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, father…”

“Ok…then you too have my blessing,” intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray.. “Please God…let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl …to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes….PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the Spring.”

“Her NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Dr. Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moishe. “Must be Atty. Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah…no, father,” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi!” says Chutzpah.

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from sleep, went to the bathroom and neglected to notice that the seat had been left up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.

During this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a certain part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of over his wife’s exposed privates, his yarmulke skull cap.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look, and commented: “Well, I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”