Jewish Jokes

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”

2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, “Did you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?”
Sam replies, “Oh thank God … I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”

5) Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: “They tried to kill us …we won … let’s eat!”

6) A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replies.

7) What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“I have an Indian name too,” he says. “It’s ‘Running Water’ and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says.
“I already do,” says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva.”

9) A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
Concerned the son asks, “Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days,” she replies.
Shocked, the man responds, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

10) Jewish view on when life begins:
- Actually, there is no controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

11) A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” she asks. The boy excitedly answers, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!”

12) Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

13) 5760 - Year according to Jewish calendar.
4696 - Year according to Chinese calendar.
1064 - Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The kind was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about
his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

“You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?’” Arafat asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Any day you die, will be a Jewish holiday.”

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it is 20% off.

Jesse Jackson, a boyscout, and an Italian Guy are in a plane. There are only two parachutes.

The Italian guy turns to the other two and says, “Have either of you seen a black guy, a Jewish guy, or a Genie?”

Jackson and the boyscout shake their heads.

“Son of a bitch”, says the Italian guy, “I’m in the wrong joke.”