Jewish Jokes

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.”

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: “Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I’m making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty-five hundred dollars a week.”

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window and examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, “Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It’s not black!”

“Trust me,” said Marcus, “it’s black!”

“Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?” asked Julius.

“To tell you the truth,” said Irving, “I couldn’t really tell you from this light if it’s blue or black.”

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other’s suit to see if it was blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with Mother Superior to discuss their day in the city. “A very strange thing occurred,” reported one of the nuns. “Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!”

“Latin?” exclaimed Mother Superior. “Jewish men don’t speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!”

“No,” said the other nun. “It was definitely Latin!”

“Well, what did they say exactly?” asked the Mother Superior.

“I’m not really sure,” said one of the nuns. “They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase, “Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!”

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, “Ma, I got married.”

Her mother said, “Oy, that’s great.”

The girl said, “But Ma, he’s an Arab.”

Her mother said, “Oy, that’s not so great.”

The girl said, “But Ma, he’s an Arab sheik. He’s wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives.”

Six months later the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, “Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he’ll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it’s like a silver dollar.”

Her mother said, “So for ninety cents you’re going to make trouble?”

A Jewish girl runs up to her father and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I need $50.”

He says, “$40? What do you need $30 for? I think I have $20 in my wallet. Let me check. No, sorry, I only have $10 in ones. But since I am such a kind and loving father, I am going to let you borrow one of them. And at only half interest, too.”

Long ago, when the Irish Sweepstakes was the big lottery game in the U.S., a Jewish gentleman won the sweepstakes and was overwhelmed, not so much with the amount of the winnings, but with the taxes he would have to pay.

So this gentleman, named Morrie, went to his tax advisor and was told the best thing he could do would be to go to Ireland, live there for a year, establish residence and collect the entire sum, tax-free.

Morrie took this advice, started up his own business and really began to like the people and the country. He asked around about what was the best way to become a citizen. He was told to get a recommendation from the Lord Mayor, himself. So he made an appointment and went in to see his Lordship.

“Good day to you, Sir,” says Morrie. “I won’t beat around the bush, Sir. I’ve come here for a recommendation so I can become a citizen of Ireland.”

The Mayor says, “I see here that your full name is Morrie Ginsburg, is that right?”

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“That’s a Jewish name, is it not?” asks the Mayor.

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“And you’ve been circumsised,” asks the Mayor?

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Ginsburg, but you can’t become an Irish citizen.”

“Why not?” says Morrie.

“Because you’ve been circumcised,” says the Mayor.

“Well, that the first time I ever heard anything like that! I knew you had to be one hundred percent Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus. I knew you had to be one hundred percent Protestant to be a Mason. But this is the first time I knew you had to be one hundred percent ‘prick’ to be an Irishman!”