Jewish Jokes

There were two Jewish woman (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, “My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.”

Golda says to Ruth, “Do you have any idea what this herpes is and can he catch it?”

Ruth answers, “No, but I am so thrilled to hear about Irving’s engagement. It’s past time he’s settled. As far as the herpes goes…who knows?”

“Well,” Golda says, “I have a very fine medical dictionary at home–I’ll look it up and call you.”

So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth…”Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the Gentiles!!!”

What do you call a Jewish dilemma? A free ham……

Debra, a beautiful Jewish girl was raised in a Strictly Orthodox home. She became engaged to Richard, a Gentile boy who agreed to convert to Judaism and to be married in the temple of Debbie’s parents.

Richard had so many questions about the forthcoming ceremony that Debbie arranged for him to meet Rabbi Schiller who would be performing the marriage.

“I’d like Mom and Dad to be seated right down front with all my sisters,” said Richard.

“Oh no”, said the Rabbi. “In the Orthodox tradition, the men and women are separated. The men will sit down on the
main floor and the women will sit in the balcony.”

“Well, at the reception,” said Richard, “I want to have the first dance with Debbie while the band plays our favorite song, Moon River.”

“Oh no”, said the Rabbi. “In the Orthodox tradition, the men dance with the men and the women dance with the women.”

Richard became annoyed and said sarcastically, “Well I guess we’re not allowed to have sex either.”

Rabbi Schiller smiled. “Of course you are, my boy. Any way you want.”

“Really?” said Richard. “You mean we can have oral sex, anal sex, any way at all?”

“Absolutely any way you want.”

Richard smiled. “Can we have sex in the shower?”

Rabbi Schiller became pale. “No, of course not!” he said.

“Why not?” asked Richard.

“God might think you’re dancing.”

This Chinese guy was quietly drinking at this bar, when a Jewish guy walks in and punches him in the face.

The Chinese guy says, “What was that for???”

The Jewish guy replies, “That was for Pearl Harbor!”

The Chinese guy says, “I’m Chinese. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor!”

The Jewish guy says, “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?!”

The Jew sits down at the other end of the bar and gets a drink. Then the Chinese guy goes over to the Jew and punches him.

The Jew says, “What was that for????”

The Chinese says, “That was for Titanic”

“Titanic?” the Jew says. “An iceberg sunk the Titanic!!!”

The Chinese guy says, “Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

Gentile wife to husband: “Go out and buy some Viagra!”

Jewish wife to husband: “Go out and buy some shares of Pfizer!”