Jewish Jokes

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.

When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, “Sammy, since you’re Jewish, I guess your family didn’t celebrate Christmas.”

Sammy replied, “Oh, yes we did! We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?

Have you heard about the new Jewish tire out on the market?

It stops on a dime and picks it up!

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire straits.
His business has gone bust and he is in serious financial difficulty. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray, “God please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto nite comes and someone else has won.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue, “God please let me win the lotto, I lost my house, my business and I will lose my car as well.”

Lotto nite comes and still no luck.

Back to the synagogue,”My God why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?????”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

“JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET!”

TOP 20 JEWISH COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES

20. “If You Want to Play in Tel Aviv, You Gotta’ Have a Clarinet in the Band”

19. “I’ve Got Your Yarmulke, She’s Got You”

18. “You Put Out All The Candles On The Menorah Of My Heart”

17. “Achey-Breakey Matzoh”

16. “I Got Friends in Low Synagogues”

15. “My New Rabbi’s Named Jack Daniels”

14. “Bubba Shot the Cantor”

13. “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”

12. “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”

11. “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”

10. “Stand by Your Mensch”

9. “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”

8. “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”

7. “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”

6. “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”

5. “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye’”

4. “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin’”

3. “You Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”

2. “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift!)”

And the #1 Jewish Country Western Song Title:

1. “I Was One of the Chosen People (’Til She Chose Somebody Else)”