Jewish Jokes

Miss Adams was giving her 2nd graders an introduction to History.

“You all know this is our year 1999, but in the Jewish calendar it’s 5759 and in the Chinese calendar it’s 4759. What does that suggest to you, boys and girls?”

Johnny raised his hand.

“Yes, Johnny?” said Miss Adams.

“For a thousand years the Jewish people couldn’t go out to a Chinese restaurant.”

We are starting the year 5759 on the Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you).

5759. That’s a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the most learned Jewish historians (wow,
THIS is bound to make them nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning at the forefront of nearly everyone’s mind:

“So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God, common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking HIM what happened. “Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours!’ Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here, Mr. Pope, the Jews…we stay right here!”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”

Three Jewish immigrant brothers named Moshe, Aaron and Daniel, had a dinner reunion to celebrate their fifteen years stay in America. Since Mother’s Day was just around the corner, they were discussing the gifts they would be giving their Momma back home in Israel.

Moshe the eldest brother said, “I had a mansion built in Jerusalem and Momma would be moving into it on Mother’s Day.”

Aaron the middle brother said, “I bought a special edition Mercedes Benz for Momma and I hired a driver to take her anywhere she wants to go in Jerusalem.”

Daniel the youngest brother said, “I bought Momma a talking parrot.” Seeing his two brothers raise their eyebrows at him, Daniel raised his hand and said, “This is a special and very expensive parrot. Remember how Momma always likes to read the good book? Well, lately she can’t see very well anymore. Now this parrot was trained to memorize the entire good book in Yiddish. Just tell it a chapter and it will recite the passages in perfect Yiddish.”

The three brothers then congratulated each other for the wonderful gifts their Momma would be receiving on Mother’s Day.

Two weeks later, each brother received a letter from Momma.

To Moshe : “I only live in a very small room but I have to clean such a big house everyday.”

To Aaron : “I seldom use the big car to go out because I spent most of my time cleaning the big house. Besides the driver you hired is such an annoying lazy schmuck.”

To Daniel : “The chicken you sent me was delicious!”

Three men - one Jewish, one Hispanic and one Italian - die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says there is only room for one soul at this time. He continues to say that the Pearly Gates need repair and the three men must offer bids to God to repair the Gates. Whoever gives the best bid will then be permitted to enter.

Each man goes off in a different direction to carefully determine the amont of his bid.

The Jewish man returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1000 stating that he will need all new steel, new hinges, new screws, etc. to do a proper job.

The Hispanic man returns to St. Peter stating that since he could reuse a lot of the materials, he could do the job for $500.

Finally, the Italian returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1,500. Shocked, St. Peter asks how the man expects to win the bid when his price is so high. To this, the Italian responds - “Hey, St. Peter - There’s $500 for you, $500 for me and we’ll let the Hispanic guy do it for $500.”