Jewish Jokes

1. Your mama is like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

2. Your mama is so stupid, she peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.

3. Your mama so stupid she thought 2pac Shakur was Jewish

A Jew and a Scotsman were having dinner together in a restaurant.

When the bill arrived, the Scotsman cheerfully said, “I’ll be happy to pay the entire bill.”

The next day’s newspaper headline read, “Jewish ventriloquist shot dead in restaurant.”

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli, frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and, in fluent, impeccable Yiddish, asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. “Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?” they are both thinking.

After they pay the bill, they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will overhear him and says….”Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

Q: What does a Jewish football coach always tell his players?

A: Get the quarter back!