Lawyer Jokes

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas 3-kick rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas 3-kick rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first you stand there and I kick you three times and then I stand there while you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s MY turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“What?? You did???”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidentally steps in a pile of dog mess.

A few seconds later, he happens to be looking down at his fee, and he notices is dripping from his shoes.

He screams, “AAAHHHH! I’M MELTING!”

In a bar, men were drinking and having fun!!

A man jumps up and yells out “all lawyers are Assholes”!!!

Another man jumps up and says “I resent that”

“why” asks the first man “are you a lawyer“?

“No” replied the man “I am an Asshole”!!

A man was walking on the sidewalk when he spotted a lamp. When he rubbed it, he was granted three wishes. “However,” the genie said, “every lawyer in the world will receive your wish twice.” The man agreed.

“For my first wish, I would like a million dollars,” the man said. POOF! He had a million dollars.

“Now every lawyer has two million dollars. What is your second wish?” the genie asked.

“I’d like a Ferrari,” the man replied. POOF! He had a Ferrari.

“All lawyers now have two Ferraris. What is your last wish?” the genie asked.

After some thought, the man said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”