Lawyer Jokes

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.”

“–or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “–or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “–so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?”

There was once a truck driver who would amuse himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he would swerve to hit him, there would be a loud “THUD”, and then he’d swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. The driver thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

“Where are you going, Father?” he asked.

“I’m going to a church 5 miles down the road,” the priest replied.

“No problem! I’ll take you there. Get in.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

All of a sudden, the driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him, but then he remembered the priest was also in the truck, so he swerved back away, barely missing the lawyer.

However, even though he was sure he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP”. He looked in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay,” said the priest. “I got him with the door!”

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

In the rest room, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands…clear up to his elbows…he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men who were watching him and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught be clean!

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from USC California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Kentucky, and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

Q. What can a goose do that a duck can’t and a lawyer should?

A. Stick his bill up his ass.