Lawyer Jokes

Costly Picture

Posted in Lawyer, Wedding
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Rodney sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” his lawyer asked.

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” asked Rodney, incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news!”

“Well, it’s of you and your mistresss.”


Congratulations, it’s a Lawyer!

Posted in Lawyer, Questions Answers
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


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  • Bad News

    Posted in Lawyer, Man and Woman
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    This man’s lawyer calls him up to come down to the office. “I really have to see you.” When he gets there the lawyer says, “I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some terrible news for you.” The man says “Oh swell, I guess tell me the terrible news first.” The lawyer says, “Your wife just found a picture worth a half million dollars.”" Wow that’s great” said the man “If thats bad news what could be the terrible news?” The lawyer said, “The terrible news is that it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”


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  • Brains For Sale

    Posted in Lawyer, Medical
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    An alien from Alpha Centauri walks into a Martian restaurant specializing in human brains.

    He takes a seat and asks the waiter, “What’s your special on human brains?”

    “Well, we have engineer brains, doctor brains and lawyer brains,” the waiter enumerates.

    “Hmm. How much are the engineer brains?”

    “Äbout 20 credits an ounce.”

    “That’s fair. Engineers have college education. How about the doctor brains?”

    “They cost around 30 credits an ounce.”

    “That’s also fair. Doctors have to undergo eight years training. Those lawyer brains - how much do those cost?”

    “Around 500 credits an ounce.”

    “500 credits? Why, that’s outrageous! Why do they cost much much more than the engineer and doctor brains combined?”

    “Listen, buddy,” says the exasperated waiter. “Do you know how many lawyers we have to kill just to get an ounce of brain?”


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  • A New House Bill

    Posted in Lawyer
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    Introducing a House Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

    PC 370.00

    370.01 -Any person with a valid State Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

    370.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

    370.03 -The willful targeting of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

    370.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

    370.05 -It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE,” or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

    370.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoons.

    370.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.

    370.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

    370.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

    370.10 Bag Limits per day:

    Yellow-bellied sidewinders -2

    Two-faced tortfeasors -1

    Back-stabbing divorce litigators -3

    Horn-rimmed cutthroats -2

    Minutiae-advocating chickens-4

    Honest attorneys PROTECTED (Endangered Species)


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