Lawyer Jokes

Some say lawyers get a raw deal: There’s always another joke around the corner.

A NASA official is interviewing professionals to be
sent to Mars. Only one can go, and he can’t return to
Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, is asked how much he
wants to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answers, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, is asked the same question. He asks for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explains, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant is a lawyer. When asked how much money he wants, he whispers in the interviewer’s ear, “$3 million.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asks.

The lawyer replies, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

THE WORLD’s 20 SHORTEST BOOKS

20. “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
19. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ
Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the number one World’s Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

A drunk walks into a bar and orders a large beer. After a few moments he stands up and yells, “Attorney’s are assholes.”

From the back of the room, another drunk stands up and says, “I resent that”.

The first drunk says, “Are you an attorney?”

The second drunk says, “No, I’m an asshole.”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said “I’m the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said “Not to worry, Preacher. ‘The smartest man in the world’ just jumped out with my back pack.”

After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court, the attorney spoke up, “Your Honor,” he said, “what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool?”

The Judge, now also angered, replied, “I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court ever again!”

“What if I only THOUGHT it?” asked the attorney.

“In that case, there is nothing I could do. You have the right to think whatever you may.”

“Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect I ‘THINK’ you’re a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”