Lawyer Jokes

The Old Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows ME, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Q: My ex-wife, my Lawyer and Bill Clinton all meet on top of the World Trade center. After chatting for about an hour they all walk over to the edge, look down, and all jump over the edge at the same time.

Who do you think will hit the ground first.

A: Who really cares !!!

A man walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are jerks!”

Upon hearing this a man at the other end of the bar storms up to the man and belts, “You’ve offended me!!”

“Why,” the first man asked, “are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m a jerk!”

Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine and some months,” she replied.

“How many months?”

“One hundred and ninety-six.”

At a convention of biological scientists’ one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”