Lawyer Jokes

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Because his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.

Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?”

The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way, you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”

“Well then”, the lawyer asked, “How do you get out to the sailboat?”

“Good question.” The salesman told him that he could get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if he didn’t mind getting wet.

“Oh, I get it,” the lawyer replied, “It’s Row vs Wade.”

The judge read the charges and then asked, “Are you the defendant in this case?”

“No, Sir, Your Honor, Sir,” replied my brother-in-law. “I’ve got a lawyer to do the defendin’. I’m the guy who done it.”

Pee-Wee walked into court alone and walked up to the Defendant’s table. When the Judge came out, he looked around and said “Mr. Herman, are you here by yourself? With all your money, I would think that you have a string of lawyers”. Pee-Wee responded “Lawyer, I don’t need a lawyer - I can get myself off”…

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Inn, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.

More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A. When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q. What do you call an honest lawyer?
A. An impossibility.

Q. What’s the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A. Never enough.

Q. What do you need when you’ve have three lawyers up to their necks
in cement?
A. More cement.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. If you have Hitler, Stalin, and a lawyer standing in front of you and you have a gun loaded with two bullets, who do you shoot first?
A. The lawyer, twice.