Lawyer Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

A. The sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being!!

A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, “I have bad news and worse news for you.”

The man said, “Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife has gotten hold of a picture worth half a million dollars!”

“That’s bad news? What could be worse than that?” asked the man.

“Well, it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm’s most prestigious clients. She was also well-known for her devoted Christian faith.

The lawyer was ushered into the bedroom of the widow and asked, “What can I do for you, Mrs. Warbucks?”

“Just come and stand beside my bed,” she said while lying in bed.

The lawyer did as he was told. A few minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow’s family interests came into the bedroom. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed.

After 15 to 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer spoke up, “Mrs. Warbucks, I don’t want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left an important meeting to come here and I really should be getting back.” Pointing at the other lawyer, he continued, “I’m sure he has a busy schedule too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We’ll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time.”

Mrs. Warbucks said, “No. I’m dying and I don’t need anymore legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I’m gone, because I ‘ve always wanted to die like my Lord did - between two thieves!”

You met him in prison.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser”.

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

He tells you that he’s never told a lie.

During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Most of his clients are patrons of his other business.

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.