Lawyer Jokes

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100.

The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another $100 bill stuck to it.

Immediately the lawyer’s keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: Should he tell his partner?

What’s the difference between a pig and an attorney?

One’s a worm infested shit eater.
The others a pig.

Financier Russell Sage was in consultation with his attorney. His lawyer was delighted with the case Sage had just laid before him. “It’s an ironclad case,” he exclaimed with confidence. “We can’t possibly lose!”

“Then we won’t sue,” said Sage. “That was my opponent’s side of the case I gave you.”

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.

He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her to no end.

He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”

“We can’t,” said the woman. “Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “……..I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”