Lawyer Jokes

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Minister. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’” But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:’ Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested: “But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re going to get screwed.”

Why does New Jersey have so may Toxic Waste Dumps and Washington D.C. have so many lawyers?

New Jersey got first pick.

Q. What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?

A. The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he
said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor. “Where do you think lawyers come from?”