Lawyer Jokes

“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time.”

“Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes — Use Birth Control”

“My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink”

(Over a sketch of the Titanic) “The Boat Sank. Get Over It”

“I Didn’t Drive My Husband Crazy — I Flew Him There — It Was Faster”

“Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”

“Aunt Em: Hate You. Hate Kansas. Taking the Dog. Dorothy”

“MEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service
WOMEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, Free Beer”

“Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs, Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”

“When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS”

“He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest”

“Democracy Is Mob Rule with Income Taxes”

On the front of the shirt: “How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?” On the back of the shirt: “How Many Can You Afford?”

“My Wife Says I Don’t Listen to Her — At Least That’s What I Think She Says”

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in, free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish, I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig…

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, you were fine?”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.” I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?”

We know about ambulance-chasing lawyers, but there’s also big money in splitsville.

There was shifty-eyed guy at the post office methodically licking “Love” stamps and placing them on a pile of bright pink envelopes with hearts all over. After all were stamped, the man took out a perfume bottle and sprayed each envelope.

A curious bystander asked: “What are you doing?”

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” said the fellow at the counter.

“But why?”

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a blonde?

The blonde stops screwing you when you are dead!