Lawyer Jokes

St. Peter greeted two newcomers at the Pearly Gates. One was a pope; the other was a lawyer. He ushered The Pope to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.

“I don’t understand,” the lawyer puzzled. “That man was a Pope, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?”

“Sir,” said St. Peter. “We’ve had lots and lots of popes, here. But, you, sir, are our very FIRST lawyer.”

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Four men were enlisted into the military in World War 2. Three were very religious men, and the other was a lawyer who didn’t want to die.

On the night before a large battle, the lawyer went to the others and said,”When the first shot flies, get down on your knees in prayer, and the lord will protect thee throughout the day.”

The others thought it was a good idea, and would be an excellent test of their faith.

The next morning, everyone was ordered to charge a German bunker. When the first shot came, the three religious men got on their knees and prayed to god for protection. The lawyer just kept running towards the bunker.

A young private saw this and asked the lawyer,”Why aren’t you praying as well? Don’t you want God’s protection?”

The lawyer replied,”What for? The good lord has already blessed me with three perfectly still targets to occupy the Germans!”

An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him.

He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process, he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise, it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair.

To celebrate his success, he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind, at 50 miles per hour, would put it out.

He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for the illegal use of a firearm.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.