Little Johnny Jokes

Every night just before bedtime, Little Johnny listens to his father reading fairy tales. Having a deep sense of humor, his father usually ad-libs some parts of the fairy tales just for fun.

One day, Little Johnny is in class listening to the teacher reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. The teacher reads, “… and the little pig met a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. So the little pig said to the man, ‘Excuse me, mister. Can I have some straw so that I can build a house?’” At this point, the teacher pauses and asks the class, “Can anyone tell me what the man with the wheelbarrow said?”

Little Johnny immediately raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. “I know! I know!” says Little Johnny excitedly. “The man said, ‘Holy shit! A talking pig!’”

The teacher is unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

One day in Sunday school, the teacher asked if anybody knew how to get to Heaven? Dirty Johnny replied, “Feet first”.

The teacher asked him how this could be and Dirty Johnny said, “Last week I walked by my parents’ room and my mom’s feet were spread up in the air and she was screaming, “OH GOD, OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING” and my daddy was on top of her holding her down saying, “NO PLEASE, NOT YET, NOT YET!”

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself… television, ice cream, homework, video games… but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to jerk off.”

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”

First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray or orange, or……”

Second a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?”

The Teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“Ok…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”

Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his red wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny’s front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her red wagon and both sit in Kathy’s yard.

Johnny’s pissed…how dare that GIRL? Then, a flash…and Johnny hauls Roy across the street & says, “Let’s get some laughs.”

“Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?”

“Give me a nickel and I’ll prove it to you.”

“Roy, give me your nickel!” He takes it and hands it to Kathy.

“What you want moved, boy?”

“Move my BOWELS!” (Johnny starts laughing.)

Kathy thinks for a few seconds and turns to her girlfriend.

“Nellie, hold this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid.