Little Johnny Jokes

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, “Johnnie! What’s your problem?”

Johnnie says, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!”

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal’s office and explained Johnnie’s request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie’s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Johnnie: “9″

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Johnnie: “36″

Principal: “What is 9 x 9?”

Johnnie: “81″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade.”

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie’s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, “Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?”

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, “What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?”

Johnnie: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes opened wide! Before he could stop Johnnie’s expected answer, Johnnie said, “Pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!”

Little Johnny woke up one morning with the shits, so he asked his his mom if he could stay home. She told him he could stay home from school, but only if he went to the store to get some medicine first.

Johnny asked her what would he do if he had to shit on the way there, or on the way back home. She gave him a hat and told him to go in it if he couldn’t wait. Well, little Johnny took off to the store. Nothing happened on the way there; he went in the store and bought to medicine with no problems. But as soon as he started home, it hit him. so little Johnny ran around the building to relieve himself in the alley.

Just as he was finishing, the local pastor was walking around the corner. So Johnny put the hat over the shit to hide it from the pastor.

“What’s under the hat, little Johnny?” asked the pastor.

“The fastest animal in the world,” said little Johnny.

“You know that I don’t like liars, little Johnny,” said the pastor.

“Honestly, I have caught the fastest animal in the world under this hat,” replied little Johnny.

“Well, let me see it then,” demanded the pastor.

“If I remove the hat, it will run away,” said little Johnny. “But I’ll tell you what we can do. You put your hands down close to the hat, and when I raise the hat up, you catch the animal with your hands.”

So the pastor put his hands done by the hat like little Johnny said. When little Johnny raised the hat, -BLAM-, the pastor clapped his hands together. He opened his hands up and saw nothing but shit.

“See I told you it was the fastest animal in the world,” little Johnny said. “It’s so fast that it shitted and ran!”

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by Little Johnny, who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into Little Johnny’s ear.

Instantly, Little Johnny calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly allows her to fasten his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

“For today’s science class, we’ll be looking at anatomy. I’ve brought in this dead cat so we can all have a look at how it functions,” started the science teacher.

The teacher asks a bright young student sitting in the front row, “Can you tell me how the cat’s teeth stay in, young man?”

“Sure! Its gums hold them in!” replies the kid.

“Ok, someone else, how about the fur?”

“Its skin holds it on!” replies another bright student.

“Ok, what about its tail?”

Picking up the cats tail, young Johnny turns to the teacher and says, “Well, from the size of those nuts I’d say it was bolted on!!!”

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to “work late” and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, “No problem.”

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the secretary’s home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic but he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, “Aha! I got an idea.” He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, “Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!”

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said, “That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!”