Little Johnny Jokes

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started up her class by saying “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!”

One day Little Johnny’s dad went to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist said every time Johnny swore, the father should put a dog shit in place of one of his presents. So when Johnny’s dad got home, he asked his son, “Johnny, what do ya want for Christmas?”

Little Johnny said, “I want to wake up with a great fucking teddy bear next to me. And a great fucking train set around the Christmas tree. And when I go outside I want to see a great fucking bike near the the garage.”

So on Christmas day, Johnny rolled over and there was a great fucking pile of dog shit next to his bed. Then he ran down stairs and looked at the Christmas tree and there was a big track of shit around the tree. Then he ran outside and where his bike was meant to be there was great fucking pile of shit. Then Johnny walks in and said, “Fancy that!”

Little Johnny’s dad said “Fancy what?”

Johnny said, “Santa brought me a puppy, but I can’t find the little fucker anywhere!”

Little Johnny’s mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank.

They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, “Hey, Mom, she’s really fat.”

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little’ Johnny received a reprimand.

After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, “I bet her butt is ‘that’ wide.”

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, “Look how the fat hangs over her belt.”

The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady’s pager begins to go off.

Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, “Run for your life, she’s backing up”

Little Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” he asked.

“Nope,” Jimmy replied.

“Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Little Johnny asked.

“Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Little Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Little Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet then.”

Little Johnny went home early from school and started calling his mother and got no answer. He finally went upstairs and saw the bedroom door open a crack. When he peeked in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid, so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said, “Mommy, Mommy, guess what I saw? I saw Daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were …”

His mother said, “Stop right there, Johnny. Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story.”

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

“Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw Daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer.”