Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny asks his teacher: “How are the babies made?”

Teacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents.

When he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, “Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!”

The mother, in her turn, says: “Oh! It is a difficult question, why don’t you better speak to granddad!”

Grandfather is sitting on a bench in the garden and eating an apple just when Johnny comes up with the same question. And so he tries to explain: “You see, the apple has little seeds; when they are planted, an apple-tree will grow after a while; and then it will bring new apples. So people also…”

But Johnny has heard enough. He takes a few apples, carefully cuts them to collect the seeds, and puts the seeds into his pants pocket.

The next day at school, Johnny is eager to show off what he’s learned, so he approaches his teacher and says, “Now I can explain. But first let me start by showing you what I’ve got in my pants…”

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and says to the teacher, “I Remember it has an “R” after the first letter.”

“That’s right,” she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, “Johnny! What is your problem?!”

Johnny says, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!”

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal’s office and explained Johnny’s request.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny’s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9″
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36″
Principal: “What is 9 x 9?”
Johnny: “81″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnny can go on to the third grade.”

The teacher, knowing Little Johnny’s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, “Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?”

The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, “What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?”

Johnny: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny’s expected answer, Johnny said, “Pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!”

Johnnie and Susie, each ten years old, decided to get married. So Johnnie went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this is cute.

“Well,” said Johnnie, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”

“And how will you live?”

“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That’s should be enough,” Johnnie replied confidently.

Getting exasperated since Johnnie seemed to know all the answers, Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along before you’re ready?”

“Well,” said Johnnie, “we’ve been lucky so far…”

Lil’ Johnny’s parents were fighting. There were screaming, crying, and cussing.

Johnny’s mom called his dad a bastard.

Johnny’s dad called his mom a bitch.

Finally, they broke it up and apologized, although both of them were still a little steamed.

His dad went upstairs to the bathroom. His mom stayed in the kitchen to cook the turkey.

Lil’ Johnny went upstairs to the bathroom. His father was in there shaving. He asked his dad: “Dad, what does bitch mean?”

His dad didn’t want him to really know so he said: “It’s another word for a lady.”

Just then his father cut himself and without realizing it he said: “Shit!”

He asked his dad, “What does shit mean?”

“It means to shave.”

“Oh.”

Then Johnny went downstairs to see his mommy in the kitchen.
“Mommy, what does bastard mean?”

She didn’t want him to know so, she said… “It’s another word for a guy.”

“Ok.”

She burnt her finger by accident while handling the turkey, so without realizing it, she said: “Fuck!”

He asked his mom: “What does fuck mean?”

“It means to cook.”

“Oh.”

Just then the doorbell rang. It was his relatives there for Thanksgiving.

Little Johnny opens the door and says, “Hi bitches and bastards. My dad is in the bathroom shitting and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”