Man and Woman Jokes

Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

Because God made man the perfect asshole.

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the perfect woman & the perfect man all stop at the same time at an intersection. Who goes first?

A: -The perfect woman. The other three don’t exist.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

What have you done wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen to bitch at you?

Made the chain too long.