Man and Woman Jokes

Q:What’s the difference between a man and a pig?

A:Pigs don’t act stupid when they’re drunk!!!

She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired

She is not: A Bleached Blonde
She is: Peroxide Dependent

She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American

She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior

She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior

She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get: Married or hitched
She does not want: Domestic Incarceration

She is not: Half naked
She is: Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted

She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not: Small or short
She is: Vertically Challenged

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure.

In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.
So, I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She never got excited about anything.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She was directionless.

So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me
and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?”
cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the
day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

What do men and parking spaces have in common?

The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicap.