Man and Woman Jokes

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it
starts.”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started . . “

What’s the difference between a woman on the back porch, screaming and bitching, and a dog on the front porch barking and yapping?

The dog shuts up when you bring it inside.

The woman in the bar noticed the man’s zipper was unzipped. She told him his garage door was open.

So smarty pants said, zipping up, “Did you notice that long red Cadillac in my garage?”

And she replied, “No, but I noticed the little Volkswagen with two flat tires.”

When WOMEN say……

Yes = No

No = Yes

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

We need… = I want…

It’s your decision = The decision I want you to make should be obvious to you by now.

Do whatever you want = You’ll pay for it later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = You better not if you know what’s good for you.

I’m NOT upset = Of course I’m upset, you idiot!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and a shower.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture.

I just heard a noise = I noticed you had just fallen asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Get yourself a beer and find a game on TV.

When MEN say…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.

Do you want to go out to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage.

You look tense…let me give you one of my famous massages = I’d like to have sex with you.

What’s wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Do you want to have sex?

I love you too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

No, I don’t mind that you’ve put on a few pounds…gives me more to love = You’re on the express train to Dumpsville.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I’m gay.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners????

So men can understand them…