Man and Woman Jokes

What are the only four animals a woman needs?

A mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

28 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.. We’re not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole

3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4.. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5.. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.

6.. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7.. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong, just tell us it’s that time of the month and nothing more.

9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.

12.. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us if you don’t.

13.. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.

14.. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees,or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16.. Just cause you think you’re always right doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something “wrong.”

17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18.. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19.. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.

20.. Never kick us in the nuts “just to see what we would say.”

21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22.. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23.. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t want a relationship.

24.. PMS is not an excuse.

25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

26.. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on.

27.. Always remember: The way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach…..and maybe….oh never mind.

28.. And last but not least: We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world.

A: What men know about women

He: Haven’t we met before?
She: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don’t know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I’m a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we’re both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let’s pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I’d die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I’d go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?

Q: What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?

A: Albert Einstein’s dick.