Man and Woman Jokes

If men got pregnant…

- maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
- there would be a cure for stretch marks.
- natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
- all methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- all children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- they wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
- paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- they’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
- women would rule the world.

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7-11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19 takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s
anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside…
35. And of course you’re still lost.

While at work one day, Bob gets a letter telling him that he has been drafted for the war and has two hours to be at the Air Base to make his plane. Thinking he has only two hours, he speeds home to spend them with his wife.

On the way he gets stopped several times, and therby loses one hour of his time. When he arrives home, he only has five minutes to pack, and so asks his wife if he can have a picture of her pussy.
“Why?” she asks.
“It’s so that I can remember you while I am around all of those foreign women.”

She agrees and takes a Polaroid. She then turns to him and asks the same thing of him.
He replies, “Oh honey, you want to remember me as well?”
“Actually no, I just want to enlarge it………

There was a guy who neede brain surgery. The doctor told him that there was a man’s brain for 500,000 dollars and a woman’s brain for 200,000 dollars.

The guy went home and discussed it with his wife on what they should do. When he told her the prices for the brains, she became a little offended.

She went in to the doctor and asked him why the woman’s brain costs less and the doctor simply replied, “Because it’s been used more.”

20. I’m going to give you ten pence, so you can phone your mum and tell her you won’t be coming home.

19. Why not sit on my lap, and we’ll see if anything comes up.

18. Can I check the label on your bra? Why? To see if those tits really are made in heaven.

17. Your daddy must have been a baker, because you have got a great set of buns.

16. Are your legs tired? Why? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

15. After brushing a girl’s butt cheeks with your hand, you say: “Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

14. “I like your dress, but it would look better around your ankles.”

13. “I want to melt in your mouth, not your hand.”

12. “Would you like to be my love buffet, so I can lay you out on the table and take what I want…”

11. “Let’s go to my place and do all the things that I’ll tell them we did anyway.”

10. “Do you fuck?”

9. “My name’s (…FILL IN..). That’s so you know what to scream later on.”

8. “Do you want to see something really swell?”

7. “Want to play carnival, that’s where you sit on my face and I guess your weight?”

6. First you beckon a girl over, then you say: “I made you come with one finger. Imagine what I could do with my whole hand…”

5. “You’re so hot, you melt the elastic in my underwear.”

4. “The word of the day is legs, let’s go outside and spread the word.”

3. “Excuse me, if you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”

2. You hold your hand up and say: “Do you know why women use these two fingers to come with?” No. “Because their mine.”

1.Toy-lick your fingers then wipe them on her shirt saying, “Why don’t we go home and get changed out of these wet clothes.”