Man and Woman Jokes

Why women are like toilets?

They either are taken or they are full of shit!!!

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bothering you? You look anxious.”

“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” Jill explained.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Linda sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”

“Yeah, I am,” Jill admitted. “He’ll miss me.”

Q. Why do men marry women?

A. Because sheep can’t cook!

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal,
agree that…

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household
items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator,
garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and
toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters,
I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public,
I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see-
I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman,
I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding,
I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men,
or think with my dick.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!