Man and Woman Jokes

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. Her tits are just too big.

4. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on “20/20″ gives me a woody.

6. Sure! I’d LOVE to wear a condom.

7. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.

8. Screw Monday Night Football; let’s watch “Ally McBeal”.

9. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.

10. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need more tampons???

11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

12. I’m sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

13. Great! Your mother’s coming to stay with us again!

14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she’s getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.

15. No way! You weeded the garden last week. It’s MY turn!

16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don’t look at them any more.

17. I understand.

18. This movie has way too much nudity.

19. Damn, we’re late for church!

20. No! I don’t want to see your sister’s tits.

21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

22. Put some panties on for Christ’s sake.

23. Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria’s Secret model!!

24. Don’t pick that up; I got it.

25. Happy Anniversary!!!

26. Hey, isn’t today your mother’s birthday??

27. Let’s talk, I miss talking.

28. Gay men have rights, too!

29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!

30. Are you losing weight sweetie??

Conversation between a boy and girl……

Girl : If there were no women in the world, who would be there to stitch your pant buttons?

Boy : If there were no women in the world, why should we wear pants?

On his third marriage already, Mr. Jones wanted to start a new life with a virginal young woman, since his marriages to worldly types were unsuccessful.

He searched the country for a young innocent female — he classified by asking a simple question. Upon meeting a young lady he’d show them a picture of his member and ask them what it was. If the response was “dick” the lady was dirty and not worth marrying.

After interviewing hundreds of ladies he finally ran across one in the hills of Montana that gave him an acceptable answer, “That’s a pipi.” Upon hearing such innocence, the man immediately proposed marriage.

After a week of marriage the man had to confess his actions to his new bride. “I married you”, he said “because you were the only woman that was innocent enough to answer my question ‘pipi’ instead of ‘dick’.”

“Dick!” laughed his new wife, “My former husband had a huge dick! You showed me a pipi!”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you’ve already told her twice.

A woman was sick of her husband’s drinking, and decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the couch and screamed.

“You don’t scare me,” the man said, looking her over calmly. “I married your sister.”