Man and Woman Jokes

Q. What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?

A. Through the chest with a long, sharp knife!

Four men are in a training class.
The professor asks the first man what is the fastest thing you know. He replied, “Thoughts. They go to your brain before you know it.” The professor said, “That’s a good one,” he turned to the next man and asked him what was the fasted thing he knew. The 2nd man replied “Blinking your eye.” The professor said, “That’s a real good one too.” He turned to the 3rd man and asked him what was the fastest thing he knew. The 3rd man replied, “Turning a light switch on. you can flip the switch, and bam, the light is on.” Then the professor turned to Bubba and asked him what he thought the fastest thing was. Bubba replied, “Man, that would be diarriah!” The professor said, “Diarriah? What do you mean?” Bubba said, “Before I can blink my eyes, before I can think, and before I can flip on the light switch, I dun shit my pants.”

What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?

He asks, “Got change for a $100?”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea….let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good”, he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.