Man and Woman Jokes

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life-givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare, and we won’t have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at say, Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you, because he’s a slacking, worthless, toady idiot.

Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your Daddy?” even as a joke, all right? It’s not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention; words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rockstars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So guys, at the end of the day, what women want is this: Equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.

Or if that’s too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

-8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
-8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday
-8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelery chosen by thoughtful partner
-9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
-10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
-10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
-12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
-12.45 Catch sight of husband/ boyfriend’s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
-1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3.00 Nap
-4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
-4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
-5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
-7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
-10.00 Hot shower (alone)
-10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
-11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
-11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

-6.00 Alarm
- 6.15 Blow job
-6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
-7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
- 7.30 Limo arrives
- 7.45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
-9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
-9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
-9.45 Play front nine (2 under)
-11.45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
-12.15 Blow job
-12.30 Play back nine (4 under)
-2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
-2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
-3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
-4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
-5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
-6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave
-7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
-7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits
-9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day; England beating Germany
11-0
-9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
-11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
-11.30 A night cap blowjob
-11.45 In bed alone
-11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she has been told twice.

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. Here are helpful hints:

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, we have lots of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q How many guys does it take to put the toilet seat down?

A Don’t know. It’s never happened.

Q How are men like parking spaces?

A The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.