Man and Woman Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Why did the woman cross the street ?

Who gives a shit, why isn’t she in the kitchen and where did she get those shoes ?

Little Lulu is travelling in an aeroplane. The aeroplane starts giving problems and it soon becomes clear that all passengers will have to use their parachutes and jump out as the plane is about to crash.

Unfortunately there is not sufficient parachutes for all the passengers. Lulu being really brave, decides to hand her parachute to somebody else. The stranger who takes the parachute is quite alarmed to see that Lulu is smiling from ear to ear.

“But why are you not worried — Certainly without a parachute you will surely die?” says the stranger.

Lulu responds, “I’m really not scared, in fact I’m feeling pretty confident… Why? Because it’s that time of the month and I’m wearing pads that have wings.”

Why do women fake orgasms?

1. Because men fake foreplay.
2. They think men really care.

For you ladies (and men so you’re prepared), a little MEN ARE LIKE humor:

MEN ARE LIKE…
Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Curling Irons, they’re always hot and always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE…
High Heels, they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Place Mats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Snow Storms, you never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Newborn Babies, they’re cute at first, but pretty soon you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Laxatives, they irritate the crap out of you.