Man and Woman Jokes

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

Why was the women crossing the road?

Sod crossing the road, what was she doing out of the kitchen.

Why can’t women drive?

There’s no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can get closer to the cooker.

A man was driving down the highway and he saw a sheep with his head stuck in the fence.

So the guy got out of the car and started humping the sheep. Another guy came along and said, “Can I have some of that?”

The first guy said, “You’ll have to wait until I’m done.”

Then the second guy said, “Do I have to stick my head in the fence, too?”

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Rinse thoroughly.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Rinse thoroughly.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair; this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off.

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving completely for bikini, but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails, or tweezers if available.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the “woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth; you don’t use one.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair; do not use conditioner.

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror — again.

14. Pee in the shower.

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time, as usual.

16. Dry off the minimal amount of flesh needed so as not to drip too much.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror — again; flex muscles — again; admire wiener size — again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go “Yeah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A man calls his wife and says to her, “Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?”

“Sure, honey,” his wife answers.

“Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pajamas?”

“Sure, honey,” his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door.

“So honey, how was your fishing trip?”

“It was great…” the husband answers. “But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“No I didn’t,” said his wife. “They were in your tacklebox.”