Man and Woman Jokes

one sunny afternoon,a teacher was trying to prepare her class for a sentence test.so the teacher called on sally-sue and told her to use stupid in a sentence.so sally-sue said billy-bob is very stupid.next was billy-bob.the teacher told him to use dictate in a sentence.so this is what he said…sally-sue say my dictate good!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
“Buy a BMW and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN : Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?
MAN : Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN : Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN : (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN : Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN : That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN : She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - deadly silence - - -
MAN : Sh@*!!

how do all intellegent women start a sentence?

“a man once told me..”

The “I Love You” virus that infects users of Microsoft’s outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:

- The “I love you, too” virus -
Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.

- The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus -
Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.

- The “Let’s just be friends” virus -
Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.

- The “Unsafe Sex” virus -
Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.

- The “Safe Sex” virus -
Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.

- The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus -
Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.

More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.

Why shouldn’t women be allowed to drive?

Becuase there are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen.