Man and Woman Jokes

QUESTION. Why can’t women ski?

ANSWER. because there is no slope between the bedroom and the kitchen.

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did God give men penises?
So we’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?

How can you tell if you’ve been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch.
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
It’s braille for “suck here”.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you call pulling off a woman’s panty hose?
Foreplay.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn’t get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older she is, the easier it is to pick up.

What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.

How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like a new car!

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

HE:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive off

SHE:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re
too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Search purse for gum wrapper with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10.Study instruction for two minutes
11.Hit “cancel”
12.Re-enter correct PIN
13.Check balance
14.Look for envelope
15.Look in purse for pen
16.Fill out deposit slip
17.Endorse checks
18.Make deposit
19.Study instructions
20.Make cash withdrawal
21.Get in car
22.Re-check makeup
23.Look for keys
24.Start car
25.Re-adjust rearview mirror
26.Start pulling away
27.STOP
28.Back up to machine
29.Get out of car
30.Take card and receipt
31.Get back in car
32.Put card in wallet
33.Put receipt in checkbook
34.Enter deposits and withdrawals
in checkbook
35.Clear area in purse for wallet
and checkbook
36.Put car in gear, Reverse
37.Put car in Drive
38.Drive away from ATM
39.Travel 3 miles
40.Release parking brake