Man and Woman Jokes

Do you know how to make a woman have an orgasm??

Who cares.

One day a guy walks into a bar sits down and orders two shots of scotch. He drinks the shots pulls a picture out of his pocket and says, “Bar tender, two more shots please!” He drinks the shots and again pulls the picture out of his pocket. “Bar tender, two more shots please!” The Bar tender asks him, “Why do you keep ordering two shots and then look at the picture in your pocket?” “The picture is of my wife, and when she starts looking good, then I’m going home!”

“Haven’t I seen you before?”
(”Nice ass!”)

“I’m a Romantic.”
(”I haven’t got a dime.”)

“I need you.”
(”My hand is tired.”)

“I am different from all the other guys.”
(”I’m not circumcised.”)

“I want a commitment.”
(”I’m sick of masturbation.”)

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
(”You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”)

“I really want to get to know you better.”
(”So I can tell my friends about it.”)

“It’s just orange juice, try it.”
(”3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”)

“She’s kinda cute.”
(”I want to have sex with her till I am blue.”)

“I don’t know if I like her”
(”She won’t sleep with me.”)

“I miss you so much!”
(”I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”)

“Was it good for you?”
(”I’m insecure about my manhood.”)

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
(”Is my penis really that small?”)

“I had a wonderful time last night.”
(”You give GREAT head!”)

“Do you love me?”
(”I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”)

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”
(”I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”)

“How much do you love me?”
(”I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you all about it.”)

“I have something to tell you.”
(”Get tested.”)

“I’ll give you a call.”
(”I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”)

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”
(”You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”)

“I think we should just be friends.”
(”You’re ugly as sin.”)

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
(”Next!!!!”)

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious, comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…you know, woman to woman!”

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: PRICELESS!!!

Some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MasterCard!