Man and Woman Jokes

THE PERFECT WOMAN

1. I wanna swallow it all…I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Wanna shave my pussy?

4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart. Do another.

6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You’re soooo sexy when you’re hungover.

8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

12. I’ll be outside mowing the lawn.

13. Honey, our neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing topless again. Come see.

14. I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?

15. No, you watch the game. I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

16. Do me a favor. I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. Buy yourself new clubs.

17. Don’t worry about our anniversary. You go hunting with the guys.

18. What do you say we get a good porno flick, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Debbie over for a threesome.

19. Oh, no, not the mall again. Let’s go to that new strip joint.

20. Baby, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that handicap down to 7 or 8.

21. Sweetie, you need your sleep. I’ll do the night feedings.

22. God…if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust.

23. I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

24. Would you like me to get implants?

25. Ahh ya big silly, those male strippers have nothing on you.

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is…
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name — you’ll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…
8. Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
9. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you’re next.
13. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear

Why are women like buses??

Because if you miss the first one, the next one is on its way as long as you stand on the corner with your money ready.

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet Coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:”All the men here are tall and handsome.”

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”