Man and Woman Jokes

What do you call a beautiful woman in Juneau, Alaska?

A tourist!

1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2) Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

3) Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Even at that stage they won’t stop to ask directions.

5) What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being

6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

7) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and goodlooking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow

9) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

10) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are all married.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But…
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or you gave birth to it.

1. Men are like department stores….
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations….
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers…
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars….
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee….
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes….
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement….
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns.

12. Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what’s left is handicapped.

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

17. Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill, “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”

To which the man replied, “Get in line.”