Man and Woman Jokes

Mary and Jack are girlfriend and boyfriend. One day they go one a walk.

As they are walking, Mary stops and says,” Look there’s a nickel in the road. Jack says,”No, it’s a dime.”

Mary insists that it is a nickel, so Jack goes out to investigate.

Just as he steps into the road, a semi comes along and hits Jack, instantly killing him.

Mary just laughs and laughs because she knew it was really a dime.

There were a bunch of people on a plane. The pilot comes on and says: “The plane is having engine failure, we’re going to have to make a crash landing.”

Everyone was silent. Suddenly, a lady jumps up, takes off all her clothes onto the floor and yells: “Is there anyone here who could make me feel like the woman I was meant to be?!?”

For a while, nothing happened. Then a man jumps up, takes off all his clothes and throws them at her feet and says: “Here! Wash those!”

They’re supportive.

They’re uplifting.

They help you to achieve new heights.

You expect to find them in your underwear drawer.

If they’re too uptight, it’s easy to loosen them up.

You can let them under your shirt on a first date.

It’s legal to lock them in the dryer.

They coordinate with your underwear (not to be confused with men, who are coordinated once in your underwear).

If you outgrow them, it’s easy to throw them away and get a new one.

You can try on many without being considered a slut.

It’s not a big deal if another woman borrows one.

It’s not as disturbing to find them with your little brother.

You can try them on, but you don’t have to buy.

They don’t adhere to your chest when your nipples tense up.

It’s okay if they become clingy when your tee-shirt is wet.

They don’t see through your shirt, unless you plan on it.

If they shrink after being in water, and are hanging out to dry, you can wear another while you’re waiting.

You can take them to an all-women’s gym, and they’re willing to go.

After a while, they pay for themselves (if you wear them right).

You can own both an exotic, sexy black, Italian underwire, and a white, cotton, All-American sports bra, and it won’t be breaking one of the ten commandments.

Waking up with a hangover and one attached to your chest isn’t that big a surprise.

You have the ultimate decision about whether or not to sleep with them. And if you choose not to, they don’t whine about it.

They seem to like sleeping with your cat in the laundry basket.

Wearing a strapless dress guarantees a new one.

Your father appreciates them.

Your mother appreciates them.

They can come with polka dots or flowers and belong to you, not a drag queen.

If they’re Wonder-ful, they help you to meet other men.

They come in various sizes. The large ones, YOU need to fill up, not the other way around.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? SHUT THE DOOR!

5. So many men — so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them ALL there.

7. Tell him you’re not his type — you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man’s mind wander. It is too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet in the first place, is because vibrators can’t dance nor buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who has given his penis a NAME.

11. Always go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature, anyway.

12. Any man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump, is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They have different faces, so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a Bachelor: A man who missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

15. Women don’t make fools of men. Most are the do-it-yourself type.

16. The best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest to him that he is “too old” for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a REAL eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in any mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around in the desert for 40 years, because Moses, a man, refused to stop and ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books interest you, tell him “checkbooks.”

21. A man’s idea of a serious commitment is usually, “Oh, all right, I’ll stay the night.”

22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have lunch with.

23. Remember, a sense of humor doesn’t mean that you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

24. If he asks you if you are faking it, tell him No, you are just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks if he’s your first, say, “You may be; you look very familiar.”