Man and Woman Jokes

Q. What does P.M.S. stand for to a man?

A. Pack My Suitcase.

The Nice Guy

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I’m late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it’s a sixpack of beer
E. I take a knife

2.”Women are special.” Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged

3. Generally, when a girl cancels out of a date…
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don’t get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I’ll accept is death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery

4. When I meet a girl, I…
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off

5. I think women are…
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedestal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth

6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process, blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment

7. On Valentine’s Day…
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but receive few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don’t get any cards and I blame all women for it

8. I get dates…
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn’t enough

9. When I am at a bar…
A. I don’t go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I drink till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in

10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because…
A. I am boring
B. I don’t know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life

11. When I settle down…
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I’ll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can’t settle down. The world is after me

12. Marriage…
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn’t mind when I fool around
E. is impossible

13. If I ever got married I would…
A. have to have Mother’s approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men

14. I get laid…
A. What does “getting laid” mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I’m not sure how many times, but it’s somewhere between 365 times a year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot

15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are…
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickets to professional wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date’s credit card bill to see the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each “A” answer 0 points, 1 point for each “B” answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer “E”.
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA‘S BOY
Move back home, if you aren’t there already. You are looking for a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, they don’t have any interest in you. If a Mama’s boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill. .They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or stands to gain from an inheritance. The negative side is that you will have to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to “Mad” Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get laid.

If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren’t. It depends on the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably want what you probably can’t get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be controlled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase, the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O’Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO
You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum, open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as Mama’s boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help immediately.
famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.

This man’s lawyer calls him up to come down to the office. “I really have to see you.” When he gets there the lawyer says, “I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some terrible news for you.” The man says “Oh swell, I guess tell me the terrible news first.” The lawyer says, “Your wife just found a picture worth a half million dollars.”" Wow that’s great” said the man “If thats bad news what could be the terrible news?” The lawyer said, “The terrible news is that it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of time, money, and effort to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like at present and will learn to lake a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually because a woman’s eyes are not in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some quality which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get”.

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualitites that initially attracted two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

When she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon.”

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” She then says, “I’ll bet your an anesthesiologist.”

Male Doctor, “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female Doctor, “I didn’t feel a thing.”