Man and Woman Jokes

**How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it!

**Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!

**Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

**How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me”.

**How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!

**Why do men pass more gas than women?
Because a woman won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure!

**IF your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the fffront door,who do you let in first?
The dog of corse…..at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

**All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart!

**What’s worse than a male chauvanist pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told!

**What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant!

**I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always!

**I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her!

**What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
Divorced!

**Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same!

**Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%:
Wedding cake!

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job, as women, to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have at dinner.

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, and some go all sour and vinegary and wind up giving you a headache.

God’s Human DNA Code
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism’s DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

===/* HUMAN_DNA.H *
* Human Genome * Version 2.1 *
* (C) God *
/
/* Revision history: *
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy — will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’ teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

*/ /* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. *
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features. */
#include “mother.h”
#include “father.h”
#infndef FATHER
#warn(”Father unknown — guessing\n”)
#include “bastard.h”
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include
/* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;
#endif }
/* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /
* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE *
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);===
…and so on.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy, doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t fuckin’ THINK so….”

With Viagra being such a hit, Pfizer is introducing a new line of drugs aimed at improving the performance of women in today’s society:

DRIVEAGRA: One dose of this drug prior to leaving on a car trip will eliminate the woman’s constant compulsion to critique a man’s driving ability. Allows her to understand that she cannot drive from the passenger seat.

MEMORAGRA: One tablet taken daily allowed 95% of women tested the ability to forget things their husbands said or did ten to twenty years earlier and eliminated the desire to use them as defensive mechanisms when they were proven to be wrong.

APPARELLAGRA: Allows a woman to return to her natural desire to look at least as good for her man at home as she does when she gets dolled up for work. Gives her that “June Cleaver” glow.

WARDROBEAGRA: In 98% of women tested, the desire to fill at least 98% of the home’s total closet space with clothes and own more pairs of shoes than Imelda Marcos was significantly reduced.

PARKAGRA: One tablespoon before entering shopping establishments has proven 99% effect in aiding a woman in the return trip to the automobile.

FAULTAGRA: Women taking this pill have an 89% chance of actually admitting when they are wrong.