Man and Woman Jokes

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

For years and years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said,
As she got my breast in line.
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said
“Ah, yes! There! That’s just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor breast was being squashed
To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit.

“Take a deep breath,” she said to me.
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe and weary I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say,
As the room was swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”
“Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped by now.

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt!
I’d like to get his balls in there
And listen to HIM shout!!!!!!

1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

5.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

7.Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

9.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10.No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

11.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12.Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we!

Where is a woman’s asshole during an orgasm?

Home, watching the kids.

A man and his wife have finished watching a TV movie about a woman who hires a private investigator to find out if her husband is really cheating on her.

The man turns to his wife and asks, “Would you do what that woman on TV did?”

The woman thinks for a moment and then says, “Well, probably not so much to find out who the other woman is but to see if I could find out what in heaven’s name she could have seen in you.”