Man and Woman Jokes

How many men does it take to do a womens job?

500, to get enough brain power to go around.

Mens Guide to what Women are really saying.
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“We need” = “I want”

“It’s your decision ” = “The correct decision should be obvious by now.”

“Do what you want” = “You’ll pay for this later.”

“We need to talk” = “I need to complain”

“I’m not upset” = “Of course I’m upset, you moron!”

“You’re so… manly” = “You need a shave and you sweat a lot.”

“Be romantic, turn out the lights.” = “I have flabby thighs.”

“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = “I want a new house.”

“I need wedding shoes” = “the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.”

“Hang the picture there” = “NO, I mean hang it there!”

“I heard a noise” = “I noticed you were almost asleep.”

“Do you love me?” = “I’m going to ask for something expensive.”

“How much do you love me?” = “I did something today you’re really not going to like.”

“I’ll be ready in a minute ” = “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.”

“Is my butt fat?” = “Tell me I’m beautiful.”

“You have to learn to communicate.” = “Just agree with me.”

“Are you listening to me!? ” = “Too late, you’re dead.”

“Do you like this recipe?” = “It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.”

“I’m not yelling!” = “Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.”

The Woman’s Guide to What a Man is Really Saying…
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“I’m hungry.” = “I’m hungry.”

“I’m sleepy.” = “I’m sleepy.”

“I’m tired.” = “I’m tired.”

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I call you sometime?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“May I have this dance?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Nice dress!” = “Nice cleavage!”

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = “I want to fondle you.”

“What’s wrong?” = “What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”

“What’s wrong?” = “I guess sex tonight is out of the question. ”

“I’m bored.” = “Do you want to have sex?”

“I love you.” = “Let’s have sex now.”

“I love you, too.” = “Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now! ”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “I liked it better before.”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”

“Let’s talk.” = “I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.”

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, sit down to pee -
Can justify any shopping spree
Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance my checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong
I don’t drive in circles at any cost
And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late.
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score
I won’t lose my hair
Don’t get jock itch
And just ’cause I’m assertive
Don’t call me a bitch
I don’t wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
Don’t burp, don’t belch and I certainly don’t fart
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don’t say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay, but jewelry’s best
Would you look at my face, not at my chest!
I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings
I know when you’re lying; you look at the ceiling
Don’t call me a girl, a babe or a chick
I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick?

A wife asks her husband the big question, “Honey, do these jeans make my ass look fat?” The husband replies, “No honey, your fat ass makes your ass look fat!!!”

Q: Why don’t women need a wrist watch?

A: cause they have a clock on their stoves.