Man and Woman Jokes

Baby, if you were a booger I’d pick you first.

Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run 95 percent quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND LORENA BOBBIT
(sing to the theme of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

“Penis, that is,”
“Clean cut, missed his nuts”

Well the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side.
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ “willie” for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the next bend.

“Curve that is”
“Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs”

She went to the cops an confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there,” To John Waynes’ “Henry” that was waving in the air.

“Found it that is”
“By a fence, evidence”

Now “Peter” and John couldn’t stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, “Hey, I can fix your severed dong!”
A needle and some thread is all you’re gonna need,
And the whole world waited ’till they heard that Johnny peed.

“Whizzed that is,”
“Even seam, straight stream”

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a little cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.

“Video that is”
“Unexposed, CASE CLOSED”

Newlyweds get: “soregasms”

Nymphos have: “let’s-do-it-some-moregasms”

Teenagers usually experience: “four-on-the-floorgasms”

Salesmen have: “door-to-doorgasms”

Virgins scream out: “my-hymen-got-torgasms”

I know of no one who has: “I-abhorgasms”

Goalies have: “scoregasms”

One gal was married to a man who had: “snoregasms” (well, that was *his* excuse)

Golfers have: “foregasms”

Hockey players have: “Bobby Orrgasms”

Miners have: “ore-gasms”

Mushrooms are limited to:
“sporegasms”

Grocers have: “storegasms”

Marco Polo had: “exploregasms”

Premature ejaculators have: “beforegasms”

And lastly, Selfish men have: “I-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms”

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.