Man and Woman Jokes

A man and a woman were golfing when the woman said suddenly, “Would you remarry if I died?”

“Yes”, said the man. “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”, asked the woman.

“No”, said the man,”she’s left-handed”.

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched the intruder get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and whispered, “Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn’t seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!”

“Darling,” the wife said, spitting out her gag. “I’m so relieved you feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.”

There was this happily married couple that decided to have a baby. After nine hard long months the mother finally started having contractions and it was time to go to the hospital.

The mother was really scared of all the pain she was going to go through so she told the doctors that she wanted all the drugs she could get.

The head doctor said, “We have designed a new device that transfers the pain from the mother of the baby to the father. It is still in testing but you are welcome to try it.” She said “Sounds great let her rip.” So the doctors hook up the device and the contractions start.

AHHHH AHHH! She is writhing in pain and the father can’t feel a thing.
They crank the machine up to 20%. She is in absolute agony. The father says “wow this pregnantcy thing is a piece of cake. Crank the pain factor up to 50%.” They turn the machine up and the father still isn’t feeling a thing. Meanwhile the mother is desperately seeking other means of pain control. Argh argh!!

The father finally says, “Well if the pain is like this at 50% why not take it the full 100%. I think i can take it.” So the doctors wind the machine up to 100% and the man still can’t feel a thing.

Finally the baby pops out and the mother’s pain is over. The man proclaims, “I never thought pregnancy would be so easy.” The mother scowls at him for being so arrogant.

Anyway it comes time to take the baby home and when this happy new family get home they find their postman dead on the doorstep.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the Points System.
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SIMPLE DUTIES:

Making The Bed:

You make the bed …………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets …………………-1

Toilet Etiquette:

You leave the toilet seat up……………………………….-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty …………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom…………..-2

Running Errands:

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings……..+5
In the snow………………………………………………+8
But return with beer ……………………………………..-5

Night-Time Security:

You check out a suspicious noise at night…………………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing …………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something ………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………..+10
It’s her pet…………………………………………….-10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy…………………………………….-2
Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………………-6
Tiffany has implants ……………………………………..-8

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………….0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar …………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ………………………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team ………………..-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal…………………………………………-5
The pal is happily married ………………………………..-4
Or frighteningly single …………………………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang…………………………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ………………-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie……………………………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate …………………………..+6
You take her to a movie you like …………………………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3 ……………………………………-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ……………………..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ……….-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………….-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it……………………………………………….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts …………………………..-30
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too!” ……………..-800

THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, “Do I look fat?”

You hesitate in responding ……………………………….-10
You reply, “Where?” ……………………………………..-35
Any other response……………………………………….-20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……………………….0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ……..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the time …+100
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep ………….-50

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls.

After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, “Boys are better than girls ‘cos you haven”t got one of these!!”

Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn’t got one of those between her legs.

She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. “My mum says girls are better than boys,” she says.

“No they’re not.” says Johnny pulling down his shorts, “You haven’t got one of these!”

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, “My mum says that as long as I’ve got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!”