Man and Woman Jokes

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. — No further testing is planned.

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

You pull down their genes.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do men define a “50/50″ relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instread of one.

Q: What do most men and Colonel Sanders have in common?
A: All they think about are legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ONE…He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do so much better.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A: “My wife says…”

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.

Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sets?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Today’s woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a “real” man.