Man and Woman Jokes

After all the men bashing jokes, it time to FIGHT BACK!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to
interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…wedding cake

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,

“So you’re a man,that’s interesting. I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The man replied,
” I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued,
“And look at this - here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police…”

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do Not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized!”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I want to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Women just don’t understand me, that’s why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she’s all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts……….I can’t even get a girl to do that…….I can’t even get a girl to shit on my carpet!

Q. What’s the definition of lesbian?

A. Just another damn woman trying to do a man’s job